When it comes to having sex with strap-ons, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking it’s completely obvious and straightforward to work this kind of toy into your sex life. This can be harmful not just because there are some things you should think about for safety and pleasure before using a strap-on for the first time but also because it can be limiting.
There are so many things you can try with a strap-on that you can’t achieve with penis-in-vagina sex, and it’s always good to keep your options — and fantasies — open. Not only that, but using a strap-on is different from using a vibrator on a partner. It can feel much more intimate, which can promote affection and increased happiness in a relationship.
So let’s talk about some of the major points when using a strap-on so that you and your partner can bring this fun new experience into your bedroom safely and comfortably.
1. Choose Something High Quality
When it comes to toys intended for penetration, you don’t want to skimp on quality. You don’t want a toy that starts dissolving or coming apart due to shoddy materials. But there’s the added complication to consider: harnesses.
You don’t want your strap-on sliding off or not holding in place — not only can it be a huge letdown mid-thrust, but it could potentially be a safety issue if you’re having rough or simply enthusiastic sex with your strap-on and it suddenly jolts out of its expected alignment.
Make sure your strap-on is meant to be used with your chosen harness, or buy a toy that includes both, like the Body Extensions Be Daring 2 Piece Strap-On Set, to ensure a perfect fit.
2. Always Clean Before and After Use
First thing first: you should always clean your sex toys regularly, even if they’re not penetrating anything or anybody. But when it comes to a strap-on, you must clean your toy before and after use to avoid bacterial infection or STI transmission.
Non-porous materials like glass, plastic, and silicone are easiest to clean and least likely to hold onto any impurities you want to avoid. Unscented soap and water should do the trick. Some toys will tell you they can be boiled to disinfect.
Porous materials like rubber, vinyl, nylon, or even leather can be tricker, which is unfortunate because rubber and silicone are such common materials for dildos and similar toys. In general, you’ll want to follow the product’s care instructions carefully, but take extra care with these materials, as they can absorb and hold onto bacteria.
3. It Doesn’t Have To Look Like a Penis!
If you’re into a strap-on that looks exactly like a penis for any reason, more power to you! But sometimes, especially in a lesbian or otherwise queer relationship, there can be resistance to introducing something stereotypically “male” into your intimate space — particularly if one or both of you experience any kind of gender dysphoria as a transwoman or nonbinary person.
So let’s be clear: your strap-on doesn’t have to look like a penis. Penetration — whether vaginal, anal, or oral — can be fun for everyone involved, but it doesn’t have to be phallic, per se. If you’d prefer something more abstract that gives you all of the sensations with none of the gendered associations, something like the Platinum Silicone Gal Pal is a great option.
4. Be Realistic When Setting Expectations
While it would be great if you could just harness up and immediately jump into penetrative sex when the mood strikes you, having sex with a strap-on simply isn’t that straightforward. You’ll have to go in knowing there will likely be some pauses while getting everything set up.
There’s nothing better than feeling comfortable enough with your partner to laugh at any awkward moments, so don’t worry — and you can also continue to tease or pleasure your partner while they strap in.
5. Communicate with Your Partner Before, During, and After
When introducing a new toy, move, or position into your sex life with a partner, communication is key. It can ensure that everybody’s comfortable, can help set expectations to alleviate potential awkwardness or stress, and also allow you to foster deeper intimacy with your partner.
It’s especially important to communicate at every point in the process with strap-ons because using them can be a little awkward at first! It’s also crucial because strap-ons aren’t exclusively for use with a vagina.
You can use them for anal or oral sex, too — but you’ll want to be sure you know which variations your partner is into before you get going. And it’s always good to check in at the end of a session to be sure you and your partner are both comfortable and satisfied and to discuss anything new you want to try next time!
6. Try Different Positions
Don’t limit yourself! If you’re new to using a strap-on or aren’t used to thinking about positions that specifically accommodate penetration in the way a strap-on requires, you may not even know what you like. It’s a great excuse to find some fun and informative sex books or articles to bone up (pun intended) on positions that look like they’d be particularly pleasurable.
And even if you find one you love, it’s always worth experimenting a little bit. You never know what will hit that spot just right.
Beyond positions, it’s also a good idea to take turns with your partner in terms of who’s wearing the strap-on. This, of course, varies depending on everyone’s comfort level and interest, but it’s a great way to switch things up.
7. Have Fun!
While knowing proper care, safety, usage, and what should go into your strap-on selection is important, it’s also important to remember this is all about having fun! It’s easy to get wound up in the intricacies of using certain sex toys or trying something new and forget that pleasure is the whole point to begin with.
If the process is stressing you out and you’re unsure where to start on your strap-on journey, we’ve put together a handy list of our favorite strap-ons.
The Takeaway
There’s often this misconception that lesbian relationships are less sexual than heterosexual or gay male relationships. There frankly isn’t enough data in either direction to even begin to explore this misnomer, but there is some research around the idea of spontaneous vs. responsive desire.
Women tend to be more prone to the latter, so if both people in your relationship feel the urge for sex in response to something rather than spontaneously, it may be more complicated to get things started in that dynamic than if one partner — male, female, cis, or trans — has the spontaneous desire to initiate.
Bringing new elements into the bedroom and starting to explore penetrative sex with your partner can help open communication, instigate that sexual desire, and lead straight into the response: feeling turned on and ready to go. Whether or not a strap-on is right for you and your partner, trying new things is always a good idea.
Sources:
When the Urge is Uneven: Understanding the Universe of Sexual Desire | GoodTherapy